


The Week The Circus Came To Town

by justlikedaylightsavingstime



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 80s setting, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Cas is studying to become a doctor, Circus, Circus!AU, Heavy on the angst, Just to warn you, Katoptronophilia, M/M, all three, but not historically accurate as such, fairly slow build, is apparently a thing, light on the smut, mechanic!Dean, oh yeah, you are not ultimately going to find rainbows and unicorns here, you don't see much of the other characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-24
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-03-08 20:17:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3222059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justlikedaylightsavingstime/pseuds/justlikedaylightsavingstime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean loves working at the circus. Cas hates the circus. It’s a match made in heaven (and we all know how well those end).</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Week The Circus Came To Town

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> Prompt #1: It's the 80s', and the circus is in town. Castiel wanders in with his group of friends, meets Dean by the cotton candy/popcorn stall. They click right away. Dean could be with the circus or not, up to author. UvU   
> (although the friends are practically nonexistent and they don't technically meet by a food stall)
> 
> So I was pinch hitting and ended up having a really busy week, so I wrote it in a rush. And it kind of utterly ran away with me. I’d initially had absolutely no intention of writing anywhere near this much, and then it kinda took off. I also wasn’t initially going have the sex scene, it kind of happened all by itself, oops. So blame the fic for all that not the writer, it is absolutely nothing to do with me
> 
> As a 90s kid I struggled with the 80s part, but I gave it a good go (at least superficially speaking). Just count yourself lucky, I was reeeaallly close to giving Dean a mullet! I slipped in a little about homophobia for ‘historical accuracy’ more than anything, I didn’t really deal with the issue in any kind of sophisticated or enlightened way, using it more as a background theme.
> 
> This is my secret santa present for viviansface :)  
> Shoutout to the mods who have done an amazing job putting up with me over the last few days!

Dean adored the circus. He always had. From the moment he could first distinguish a tightrope walker from their dreary canvas background he’d loved the classic idea of running away to become a clown or a musician. It offered everything he had never had. A steady job, a semi-stable home and a mismatched group of friends. The past 6 months had been the time of his life. He’d always liked to work with his hands and now he got to do something he was actually good at. And he wasn’t too small a man to admit that he loved the praise he gained every time he mastered a particularly complex piece of machinery. 

If anything the circus offered more stability than his father ever could. Even with the constant travelling and shifting around at least it was fairly steady. It wasn’t as if he was being thrown from place to place with no choice in the matter. He had control. And there was nothing he loved more than being able to glance around and be met by a sea of familiar faces. There was something seriously comforting about Bobby’s gruff grumbles or teasingly tugging Jo’s pigtails, even the light tap of Ellen’s hand on the back of his head brought a sense of belonging he’s never thought he’d have. Sure whenever Sam caught him smiling at the popcorn machine and pointed it out Dean usually shook it off, throwing in a choice insult to shut his baby brother up. That wasn’t particularly surprising. Of course he’d never admit his love, but truly in his heart he knew that the circus was where he was supposed to be.

And Sam. Well it wasn’t so much his cup of tea. Every couple of days he’d have his usual whinging session about how much he hated the circus and Dean and every other part of his life. Dean just tried to chalk it up to teenage hormones, and he could tell that for the most part his little brother was happy, or at least happier than he had been mooching around grotty motel rooms. He knew that one day Sam would be blasting off to college, that was a given, and he figured that the most important thing was to have a big enough check coming in that Sam could focus on his studies (even if all his classes were held in the back of a van). So he ignored Sam’s moaning and worked hard to try to make them both as content as possible.

So it was true, he’d always had a certain fascination with the circus. Yet it had to be said, he’d never loved the circus more than the night he met Castiel.

***

Castiel loathed the circus. The bright lights and the shouting and the laughter and the clunky machinery were always just too much for him. It gave him a headache, and left him wistfully dreaming after his little armchair and his most recent book. Not to mention that all the flashing lights and over-exaggerated entertainment was just a front for loads of other gross stuff. He was fairly sure that he’d read something the other day about excessive animal cruelty in circuses (although he supposed that depended on the circus). And of course he was bound to run into some of the jerks from school. It wasn’t the biggest of towns after all. All in, the circus just wasn’t cup of tea.

And yet he’d let his obnoxious sweet-toothed brother and excited friends drag him along. Gabe had a particularly impressive penchant for the puppy dog eyes, and if that failed he could always just jump straight to dragging Castiel along by his collar. Sometimes Castiel wished that he hadn’t ended up as the little brother, it always seemed to involve him having to do something or go somewhere. This time, with Anna’s help, Gabriel had relied more upon the classic method of guilt tripping, which Castiel could deal with. Or at least he could deal with it until his ass of a brother ditched him after the first five minutes to go rushing off after his most recent crush. He should have known. And his friends hadn’t taken long to disappear either. Just his luck. Now he was stuck in the middle of the noise and the chaos until Gabriel finally realised that Kali was never going to be interested. And to top it all his oh-so-considerate older brother had carefully managed to wipe a load of cotton candy in his hair, leaving a nicely sticky matted and stick streak

So here Castiel was, the bright bomber jacket that Gabriel had goaded him into wearing clutched tightly around his body as he slipped between excited groups. He wandered up and down through the intricate maze of walkways and attractions, kicking the odd wrapper or carton out of his way. No matter how much he tugged on his hair the cotton candy refused to budge. Next time Gabe, or his friends, asked him to do something he would invariably say no. He was done with the lot of them. He might love them, but that didn’t mean that he had to like them.

He avoided the various stalls with the masses of people crowding round. He never saw the point of shooting at a coconut, and he wasn’t hungry enough to brave the queues just yet. He just needed to mull around long enough to find one of his friends and let them know that he was ditching. It’s not like they’d care anyway.

As he drew closer to the makeshift fence which announced the edge of the fair he noticed a scuffle out of the corner of his eye. It took him all of two second to recognise some of the dicks from school. The amount of pastel poloshirts and golfing jerseys was enough to send anyone blind, although unfortunately their sense of dress wasn’t the most obnoxious thing about them. Whoever their newest victim was, Cas couldn’t help feeling a stir of pity. When he caught sight of the poor bugger he realised he was going to have to step in. Great. Just what he needed. One more thing to cross off on a long list of the worst night in recorded history. With a sigh he clenched his fists and stepped forward.

***

Dean had been flitting from one bright tent to another in an attempt to find his brother. It wasn’t like Sam to skip out on his studies and Dean was very well aware of his knack for getting into trouble. So when he disappeared, it tended to set off a range of alarm bells in his big brother’s head. A sigh and a shake of the head was all he gave Charlie when she flashed Dean a distinctive thumbs down. Where the hell was the little brat? What if he’d gone wandering and got himself trapped in some caves or he’d looked funny at the wrong local or someone had kidnapped him or something. The most unlikely and ridiculous of situations started to play themselves out in Dean’s head. Damnnit. Well Sammy wasn’t in any of the tents, maybe he was in the trailers. With another curse, Dean marched over. He could only hope.

On the way to the trailers he caught sight of the scene playing out just behind Bobby’s trailer. He knew instinctively that Sammy was in the middle of it. Of course he was, he was a Winchester after all. Without a second thought Dean dove straight in, fists flying, slamming into anything that came into his arm range.

Soon enough he caught sight of Sammy crouched underneath all the writhing bodies, another guy positioned next to him as the pair of them tried to balance throwing their own punches with using their arms to protect themselves from the onslaught.

As Dean’s experienced moves altered the balance of power in the fight, the other dickheads seemed to decide that they were far too equally matched to be comfortable. With a shout from one of them, they all rushed away, golf jerseys blowing behind them. As it turned out that there was only five of the douches. Well that figured. Dean was half tempted to chase them down the path, but was more worried about Sam’s condition. Fucking twats. He was going to tear their lungs out if it was the last thing he did.

Not sparing a glance at the stranger, Dean pulled Sam to him, eyes flashing over all his (thankfully minor) injuries. “What the hell were you playing at Sammy? How many times have I told you not to pick fights with the locals?”

At that Sam let out an indignant squeak, rubbing his shoulder as he pulled away from Dean’s ministrations. “Hey, it’s not my fault they came after me. I was just defending myself.”

The kid was probably right. Not that Dean could really take the high ground anyway, the amount of times Sam had seen him trundling in with the mementos of a fight bruising on his cheek. He let out a sigh, just glad that he’d got there before the injuries had become any more serious.

“What happened?”

“I was just going to pick a book from the trailer and then they were all there in my face, yelling about how I’m a freak and they kept saying all this horrible stuff about mom. Next thing I know they’ve got me on the floor and this other guy comes along trying to help me and they throw him down on the too.”

The look of anger burning on Sam’s face was nothing compared to what was going on in Dean’s head. God help those bastards if they ever crossed his path again. He pulled Sammy in for a one armed hug, hiding his huff of laughter when the younger boy shoved him away. Teenagers. At least it proved that Sam was okay. He could almost physically feel the relief flooding through him.

Having contented himself that Sammy wasn’t seriously hurt, he ruffled the younger Winchester’s hair and sent him in the direction of Ellen’s tent. She’d be able to look after him. Sam left with a minor amount of whining, but not before he’d given his thanks to the man still catching his breath on the ground.

Well, Dean said ‘man’, it became pretty clear when he got a good look at the guy that he couldn’t be any older than seventeen, maybe eighteen. It was only after Sam had left that Dean’s gaze flickered to him. One look at the guy and he couldn’t stop himself from flashing one of his most flirty grins. Just his type. Sure the pink bomber jacket might be a little OTT, but the guy was handsome enough for it not to matter. Not-trying-too-hard scruffy dark hair, rugged good looks and beautiful eyes. He reached down, offering his arm to the guy who gratefully accepted it.

“Hey man, thanks for saving my brother.”

“I don’t think much saving was involved. I think I should be the one thanking you for saving my bacon.”

“Well it is very nice bacon.” Dean muttered under his breath, the shy smile on the other guy’s face enough to show him that he’d heard. “I’m Dean by the way.”

“Castiel.” Castiel’s handshake was firm, the gentle pressure of his fingers enough to send a small spike of electricity flashing up though his arm.

“That’s a bit of a mouthful.” The wink he threw at Castiel was yet again responded to with a smile. As pretty as Castiel’s eyes had been before, they were decidedly more gorgeous with the spark of a smile in them. “Cas is much easier. So Cas, how about as a proper thank you for saving my brother, I give you the official insider’s tour of the circus?”

“I’d like that very much.” 

Without further ado Dean charged off, only turning back to check that Cas was following. The shorter guy grinned at him when he realised Dean was looking. Oh this was going to be fun. Dean’s brain was quickly whisking through all the possible ways he could thank his brother’s captor, and every single one was more delicious than the last.

***

Okay so maybe the circus wasn’t so bad. Sure he was pretty sure he’d end up sporting a black eye, and Gabe was still MIA, but the circus was a much more fascinating place when you had Dean Winchester as your guide. Within the first five minutes of following the taller man around, Dean had already managed to charm free cotton candy, free popcorn and a free hot dog for each of them. Before he’d had a chance to even get stuck into the food he’d been whisked into the gigantic tent stationed in the centre of the field. As he stepped through the thick canvas it felt like they were entering an entirely different world. The entire place was pitch back, except for the bright spotlights that flicked around to wherever the audience was supposed to stare. The audience in question was sat with bated breath, not even a shuffle or a cough to break the silence.

Currently capturing the attention of the spotlight was a pair of trapeze artists, a ginger and a brunette, who were making Castiel dizzy with the way they spun back and forth. Their sequined costumes caught the flashes of the spotlight, amplifying them into a dazzling glow. He found himself gaping at the grace and strength behind their gymnastics. Maybe the circus did have something to offer after all.

The hand on his back directing him to sit down was nothing short of magical, particularly when it was complemented by the rub of Dean’s shoulder against his own as they settled onto the low wooden benches.

The most wondrous part of the entire night was the moments when Cas felt Dean’s breath’s brushing against his outer ear as he muttered little facts and anecdotes. Things like the fact that the pretty ginger trapeze artist (apparently her name was Charlie) had twisted her ankle twice trying to learn that particular move. All the magician’s tricks were really simple when you had someone to explain them. Cas could barely hold back a grin whenever Dean made a smartass comment loud enough for one of the performers to hear and they sent him scathing looks (or in the case of the mimes, flipped him the bird). The magician (a bearded old guy called Bobby) had even thrown one of his ‘trick’ knives at Dean, where it landed inches away from his manhood. He made sure to keep his comments much quieter after that, but Cas was pleased to note that it still didn’t stop him whispering in Castiel’s ear.

It only felt like they’d been in the tent for a few minutes, but in reality it turned out that three hours had tumbled on by the time they emerged, and Castiel was pretty sure that Gabe was going to be looking for him, even if his friends had lost interest. He took his leave from Dean, resting a hand lightly against his shoulder. 

“You’d better watch your back after the show.” He couldn’t help teasing.

Dean let out a little chuckle at that. “I wouldn’t worry too much. I’ve got a fairly decent chance of still being around tomorrow. “Speaking of which, I need to hang round here, just in case something major goes wrong and they need all hands on deck. But if you come by again tomorrow we could hang out?”

Castiel could barely contain his excitement, nodding an enthusiastic yes before Dean had even finished his question.

“Shampoo.” Dean’s parting shout left him mystified, at least until he caught sight of Castiel’s confused stare. “It’s all you need to get rid of the cotton candy in your hair. You shouldn’t need anything else.”

Cas absentmindedly tugged on the matted clump of hair, grinning to himself as he went off to find his brother. If Gabriel hadn’t found him and kept him grounded with an unending diatribe about how ‘Kali didn’t know a good thing when she saw it’ then the chances were that Castiel might have ended up skipping home. As it was Gabe noticed ‘a glow’ surrounding him and immediately asked which girl Cassie had been hanging round with to leave him in such a condition. Of course he didn’t listen when Castiel explained that it was nothing like that, but despite all the prodding and the probing, Castiel managed to keep the secret of his gorgeous new friend to himself.

***

Dean had spent the entire day humming, much to everyone else’s irritation. The first night of the carnival was always the most stressful, and everything that was going to go wrong tended to pick then to do so. So most people liked to spend their Monday mornings either sleeping-in or being as grumpy as is humanly possible. It was only after the fifth time he was hit by a piece of flying debris that Dean finally stopped with the humming. He was still left wondering just what it was about those blue eyes that had put him in such a good mood. Particularly when there was so much to do. There was always a ride to fix or a stage to alter. Charlie was particularly good at faffing him around, wanting her trapeze a certain length one minute, and then demanding it to be completely changed the next. At least this Monday he’d escaped the usual food run, leaving it to Ash this time instead.

Despite the excessively busy nature of his day, he found himself with the odd free second where dreamy thoughts would flitter across his consciousness. And if those dreamy thoughts were of scruffy dark hair and a particularly obnoxious bright pink bomber jacket then sue him. It wasn’t like he had that much time to spend daydreaming anyway, as his thoughts were quickly taken over by the mechanics of the circus. Dean might be good at his job, but that didn’t mean it was always easy.

By the end of the day he was his usual mucky self, covered in oil and grease and mud and pretty much any other impossible-to-remove substance you could name. He did his best to scrub it off at the tap, but the freezing water wasn’t much of an incentive and he never seemed to completely get the muck off anyway. Sometimes he just wished for a proper shower, one with a decent water pressure.

The evening was spent the way it usually was, at least until the light went forcing him to stop. His baby, his pretty little ’67 Impala, deserved all the TLC she could get. When you spent the majority of the time on the road, your vehicle requires a loving hand and plenty of attention, his father had taught him that much. It wouldn’t do to break down in the middle of nowhere when he was supposed to be setting up at their next destination. Not to mention the fact that she was his pride and joy. So he tinkered and he waxed and oiled baby’s various parts, which thankfully took his mind off his ‘guest’, who may or may not turn up, until the circus sprang into life.

As the rides burst awake, creaking a little as they settled into their routine for the night, Dean felt his heart jump a little. Come on, he was just being silly. Making way more out of this than there was. For all he knew Cas wasn’t into the whole guy-on-guy thing. Although he liked to think he’d got better at reading people in his time with the circus, that didn’t mean he was always right. He’d learnt a lot over the past 6 months. There was less to lose in making yourself vulnerable to people who you’d only have to see for a couple more days, and it normally proved to be more than worth it. 

You could normally tell when someone was interested, and from where Dean was standing it seemed that Cas was interested. Then again, maybe he was just being friendly. Urgh, life was so confusing sometimes. And why did he even care so much anyway, he’d only met the guy yesterday, and it’s not like he had the luxury of letting himself get attached. He wasn’t ‘out’ as such. He wasn’t sure how all their friends would take it. It was easier just to have the odd (or pretty frequent) clandestine affair and get out of there as fast as is humanly possible.

Dean had tried to place himself in an obvious spot, somewhere Cas would immediately be able to spot him. He was definitely way too bothered about this. But he couldn’t really bring himself to worry as the guy in question came bounding up to him, not even wasting a hello before he was dragging Dean off by the arm. “You want to go on the Ferris wheel?”

Dean couldn’t find it in himself to deny that happy face as he found himself being pushed into the brightly colored seat and the bar came down, pressing into his stomach with an air of finality. As the wheel cranked into gear Dean suddenly remembered exactly why he hadn’t been on it yet. This was not going to end well. As it started to climb in jerky jolts he found his breathing picking up and his knuckles tightening on the metal bar. Oh God. Why was it so high? Shit, shit, shit. 

When they were about halfway up the dreadful climb he could feel his body shaking, and he was about to play it off as just a shiver from the cold when he felt Cas’ warm hand slipping round his own. The light squeeze was enough to have him holding onto the bar with marginally less tension. It couldn’t quite be called a death grip anymore, although his knuckles were still a distinctly pale color.

“Dean, are you okay?” The concern in Cas’ voice might have been comforting if he wasn’t so worried about the possibility lose his dinner.

“MMhmm. Sry. Just notgoodwithheights.” Something about being up so high completely removed Dean’s capacity to put a proper sentence together, as if all his brain power was focused on the horrible, horrible drop below them.

The light rocking of the seat as it was hit by a light breeze had Dean jumping straight back to his death grip as he crunched his eyes tight shut. He could do this. If he could just hold on like this for the next few minutes they could get to the bottom. Castiel’s hand increased its pressure on Dean’s, which he eventually realised meant that Cas wanted him to remove it from the bar. No way in hell was that happening before he had solid ground below his feet.

Squinting his eyes open, Dean just about managed to catch sight of Cas’ calm eyes before he threw caution to the wind and let Cas nudge his hand off the rail. Before Dean had chance to panic, the loose hand was claimed by Cas, and the soft circles being massaged into back of his hand somewhat managed to calm him down. At least they helped him to make it to the bottom where he jumped out at the speed of light, instantly bending over to catch his stolen breath. 

From somewhere above his head Castiel’s voice filtered down. “If Ferris wheels freak you out that much, why did you come on with me?”

“You just looked so happy. I couldn’t say no.” He’d blown it now. Made himself look completely and utterly needy. An uncharacteristic move if ever there was one. He kept his head focused on the ground, only glancing up when Cas touched him.

He felt a brush against the back of his hand, the warm expression accompanying it was enough for Dean to get the affection and appreciation behind the movement. He smiled back, about to bump Cas’ hand in return, when he heard a faux-cough behind him.

“Hhuhh faggots huuuh.”

Tension instantly sprang through Dean’s muscles, sending him spinning round to confront whatever douche was trying to pick an argument. And of course it was the same guys who had assaulted Sammy yesterday. Good. 

“Sorry, I didn’t quite hear you. You want to say that again?”

“I called you and your little boyfriend over there faggots. We saw you holding hands.”

The guy (obviously the leader) didn’t have even have time to let out another of his little affected laughs before Dean’s fist was connecting to his jaw with that classic satisfying crunch. He got another couple of punches into the squidgy part of his stomach for good measure, before he felt strong arms wrapping around his chest, pulling him back. The douche on the floor writhed in pain, his friends seemingly unable to do anything more potent than stare at him before they realised they should help him crawl off.

Still constrained by the arms around him, Dean was restrained to just yelling after him. “Go find some new insults, you homophobic prick.”

Why did it always have to be so damn difficult? As Cas finally let him go, he stretched his arm out, testing the ache in his hands. He didn’t meet Cas’ eye, worried he was going to be met with judgement and rejection. It had to be pretty clear who he was by then, and he still hadn’t had chance to sound Cas out properly. This could all go so wrong.

Not to mention the fear of Ellen’s response was freaking him out. Great. Two fights in two days. If Ellen ever heard about it he was going to be dead meat. Not that he thought the guy would want to admit to anyone that he’d been beaten. But it could still spell trouble. 

As he shook his hand out he just couldn’t find it within himself to care. Cas produced a tissue to delicately wipe off the blood, proving that it mostly belonged to the other guy. It was totally worth it. Although maybe Cas didn’t think so. He sneaked a glance at the shorter guy, encouraged by the impressed look on his face. “Sorry if I’ve made life difficult for you Cas. I just can’t deal with dicks like that.”

“No, it’s fine. They deserved it. They’re complete and utter assbutts!”

Dean spluttered out in laughter at Cas’ serious delivery of the insult. “Assbutts? Really?”  
The earnest nod was all he received in reply before Cas shifted the attention away from his quirky insult. “But I have to admit you have some pretty impressive skills. I wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of you.”

Dean was only half joking when he puffed out his chest. Come on, who didn’t love a little ego stroking? The only thing that could possibly beat it was other forms of stroking. The warm sense of pride remained even as he walked Cas to the entrance to the circus. Their shared glances showed there was no question concerning meeting the next day.

“See you tomorrow Dean.”

“See you tomorrow.”

***

Dean had spent the past couple of weeks listening to Ash moan on and on and on about how one of the teacups had been making a disconcerting rattling noise. So on Tuesday afternoon when he’d scrounged together a couple of free hours he’d grabbed the instructions, slipped on his ridiculously nerd glasses that he only wore when he absolutely had to and set to work with the screwdriver.

It wasn’t long before his tinkering was interrupted by a low cough to his left. He spun round to catch sight of Castiel, eye’s drawn to the gap where Dean’s shirt had slipped up and his jeans had slightly slid down. Oh he so had him. Dean couldn’t help the massive grin that burst across his face, certain that it made him look nothing short of dorky. But he didn’t let it worry him, particularly as Cas’ answering smile made his breath catch in his throat.

“Hello Dean.”

“Hey Cas!”

“I’m sorry to interrupt your work.”

“No, no, you’re not interrupting. I was just about to take a break anyway.” Dean grinned, feeling absolutely no guilt despite lying through his teeth. He’d do practically anything for the gorgeous guy in front of him. Which was pretty intense considering he’d only hung out with him for a couple of nights. But that’s how it was sometimes and Dean was well aware of how much of a secret sap he was, even if he refused to admit it to anyone else.

“Like hell you were!” Ash popped up behind him from god knows where. Perfect timing, of course. Rolling his eyes at Cas, Dean turned to face Ash, quickly transforming the eye roll into a fluttering of his eyelashes. Even Ash wasn’t immune to a little Winchester charm.

“Oh come on Ash, pleeeasee?” 

He already knew he’d won when he heard the whine in Ash’s voice. “It’s taken me two weeks to even get you to look at it.”

“Come on, I’ll be back in quarter of an hour. Cross my heart, hope to die.” Dean only just stopped himself from giving a triumphant grin as Ash visibly folded in on himself.

“I can do one better than that. If you’re so much as one minute late I’m gonna have Ellen rain a whole load of pain on your ass.” Dean couldn’t hold back a wince at Ash’s smug statement.

He instantly dumped all the stuff he was working out, earning a weary chastisement from Ash, and hauled Cas off as fast as his legs could carry him. They ambled along happily, finding a cute little path along the edge of the field that led into a small set of woods. A nice secluded set of woods. Well wasn’t that a turn up for the books.

“We’re not on private property are we? I think my ass looks a hell of a lot better without a bullet sticking out of it.”

The chuckle he received was extremely gratifying, as was the warm hand that Cas slipped into his own. “No Dean, I’m pretty sure we won’t get shot for walking along here.”

“Good. So what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in school?”

The blush on Cas’ face gave Dean a pretty good inkling, even before he opened his mouth. “I’m skipping at the moment.”

Castiel gave Dean a questioning look when Dean laughed. “Never had you down as a bad boy.”

“I’m only missing a free period. It’s not like anyone’s going to notice.” Aww that was just too cute. There was something really endearing about Castiel’s defensive tone, and he was tempted to continue to tease the poor guy until Castiel opened his mouth again. “I just wanted to let you know that I can’t come by tonight. My parents have insisted that we have a family dinner, and it’s not really something I can avoid.”

Quickly fighting back the disappointment that was trying to broadcast itself across his face, Dean gave Castiel’s hand a light squeeze “You didn’t have to come tell me that. But I’m glad you did, it’s nice to see you.”

It was Dean’s turn to blush this time, as he realised how eager he sounded. Damnit. Dean. Freaking. Winchester. Did. Not. Blush.

He avoided Cas’ eyes even as he pulled closer, staring to rub the back of his neck with his free hand. The brush of lips against his own shouldn’t have surprised him as much as it did. It was unusually chaste for a kiss, the kind of people Dean dated tended to just dive straight in. But the really surprising thing was that he actually found himself enjoying it. How did this weird little brunet manage to drag out all these awkward feelings?

The look of concern on Cas’ face as he pulled away to gauge Dean’s reaction was particularly endearing. Dean just flashed him an encouraging smile, for once in his life left absolutely speechless, and by a little chaste kiss none the less. Somehow he managed to find his voice and dragged out a husky comment. “I wasn’t completely sure you were into that kind of thing.”

Cas just leant forward for another kiss, more forceful than the last. Of course that was the point at which his glasses made themselves noticed, bumping against the side of Cas’ face. Stupid glasses. Cas didn’t seem to mind as he pulled back with a cheeky glint in his eye. He raked his eyes down Dean’s body in a very obvious fashion finally bringing them back up to Dean’s (bloody blushing yet again) face. “Oh I am most definitely into that kind of thing.” 

Dean glanced down to where their hands had twined together, smiling a little at the motion. God his brain was really going out of the window. And the worst part was that he was absolutely loving it. 

Cas’ voice brought his attention away from their hands (again, what a sap). “I was thinking if you wanted we could go on a …on a date. A proper date? Like in the town, not around the circus.”

That was something Dean was totally down for. “Yeah sure. I’m free tomorrow night if that’s any good? I get one night off every week.”

“Tomorrow it is.” 

Cas brought a hand upto Dean’s cheek, no doubt to pull him in for another kiss. Unfortunately in the process Dean caught sight of the time on the watchface. Pulling back from Cas he let out a curse. “Shit. I’m already late. Ellen’s going to have my balls on a platter.”

“Well that’s not a very appealing image.” Cas commented with a raise of his eyebrow.

“No, it’s not.” Dean agreed, already running down the path as he unceremoniously dragged Cas with him. Luckily they hadn’t gone too far, and he was only a few minutes late.

“I’ll see you down in town tomorrow at 7?” He didn’t give Cas more than a quick backward wave (ignoring Cas’ yelled comment about how much he liked the glasses) before he jogged back into the circus camp, hoping to avoid Ellen’s wrath. Maybe he’d gotten away with it. Or at least he’d thought so until Jo bounced up to him, the biggest taunting grin beaming across her cheeks. Shit. “Mom wants to talk to you.”

Great. No doubt that would result in another talk about responsibilities and god knows what else. As if he hadn’t had enough of them in his lifetime. At least he had the perfect target to unleash his annoyance on. “I wouldn’t look so smug if I were you. Or I might tell her which little twelve year old really broke the cotton candy machine!”

That wiped the smile off her face. It was his turn to laugh now, although that was soon cut off by the commanding voice behind him. “Dean Winchester. Here. Now.”

***

It felt strange, after having company for the past couple of nights, to be flitting about the circus on his own. But that was just silly, because he’d been doing this for months and he was used to the sensation. Nobody had time for anything but work whilst the circus was running. Everyone seemed ridiculously busy. 

Yet for the first time he actually felt lonely, wandering aimlessly around between the giggling people and overly familiar attractions. It was strange, how he ended up in a different place every week and the surrounding area always kinda looked the same. Sure this tent would be over there next week, and that truck was over there last week, but generally it held a fairly similar setup. Most people would be surprised how small a circus really was when it boiled down to it.

He almost wished something would break so he had something to do with himself. Eventually Ellen, who was either taking pity on him or had decided she’d had enough of his moping mug, set him to man the cotton candy stall whilst she went to check everything else was running smoothly.

He lost himself in the mechanical actions of making and selling, drifting off into his own world and barely paying attention. When Ellen came to check up on him, she just let out a world-weary huff. She’d seen it before, you didn’t get to own a circus without seeing every single emotion life could throw at you in the flesh. And hell that boy was long gone, she thought with a smile. Oh to be young and in love.

***

The family dinner was absolutely horrendous. It included three fights, five guilt trips and one bleeding wound (although to be fair that was just from Anna slipping up and catching her hand on the corner of the table). Castiel should know, he never had anything else to do but keep the tallies. 

Oh and he had been used as the perfect example of what Gabe and Anna should be striving to be a total of four times. If that didn’t have him squirming in his seat then nothing else would. The perfect little son, with perfect grades and the perfect appearance, who focused on his studies and wanted to become a doctor. Little did they know. He had no idea what would happen if they found out about his ‘tendencies’ as Anna liked to refer to them.

He spent the rest of the disastrous evening curled up on the couch not reading a single word of his book as he tried to filter out the cheesy lines of the brat pack films Anna was working her way through for the umpteenth time. Not that it would have helped if she’d turned it off, he only had one thing washing through his mind, and it was not medicine or studying. How could they even factor in when he had a date with Dean Winchester. An honest to god date-date. And it wasn’t at the circus. It was going to be in town. At the diner. Like a proper date.  
All he had to do was play it cool, make sure his family didn’t find out and try to keep PDA’s down to a minimum. What could possibly go wrong?

He was still trying to plan out what would happen, what he was supposed to do, what he was supposed to wear (shit) as he drifted to sleep that night. When he woke the next morning, it was still buzzing through his mind, as if he’d never slept at all. It was all he could do to even sit still in his seat and make it look like he was paying attention to his classes.

When the final bell went he rushed straight out, ignoring all his friends’ requests for lifts. He spent a good hour faffing with outfits when he got home, completely building up into a tis. Luckily Anna was there to rescue him, pointing him in the right direction and even helping to do up buttons and brush his hair into a more ordered style.

He almost regretted putting so much effort into his outfit when he saw that Dean had just work his usual flannel, jeans and jacket (but damn did the leather jacket look good on him). But the hungry look Dean sent him was enough to have him dancing with joy. Maybe it had been worth it. 

He sidled up to his date (his date!!), exchanging a shy smile and perfunctory greeting. Judging by the slightly red tinge to Dean’s face he was just as nervous as Cas. Well that was something, they could at least be goofs together. Taking the initiative he grabbed Dean’s jacket by the sleeve, tugging him into the diner. It wasn’t anything special, just your usual coffee and pie serving shebang. Although the burgers were to die for. The only downside was Naomi and her hideous perm. Quite frankly Cas was terrified of her.

He chose the best booth, the only one that didn’t have a cracked leather seat, and settled in, flashing Dean another uncontrollable smile as the older guy slid in opposite him.

They sat there fiddling with the menus, Dean asking question after question about the town, what it was like, how many friends he had. It was strange seeing someone who was so interested in all that stuff, all the locals already knew it all backwards and forwards to the point where it had become tedious. Naomi came round to take their orders, and Cas was proud to say he only shivered a little under her iron stare. Maybe it was the thought of two massive burgers and giant frothy milkshakes that would be floating over to them at some point soon that gave him courage.

Castiel leant back, teasingly nudging Dean’s leg with his own, smiling when he knocked them back.

“What’s that around your neck?” Dean obviously wanted to change the topic away from the town’s history. Cas’ gaze flicked down to where he’d been absentmindedly playing with the little charm on the end of the chain.

“It’s a necklace my mom bought me when I was born. It’s Thor’s hammer. It’s a play on my name.” When Dean just blinked at him nonplussed he squirmed a little and before elaborating. It was pretty embarrassing really. “You know, Castiel, the angel of Thursday.” 

Dean smiled with him, asking to hold it and run his fingers along the tiny runes inscribed in the hammer. After that Dean managed to spend a solid ten minutes describing the work he’d had to do around the circus camp. Mostly it involved moaning about Ellen and Bobby, but underneath it all Cas could tell there was a real fondness lurking. It was nice to see, and he was glad that Dean had people he could really rely on. Although he could tell that in Dean’s mind nothing could quite match up to Sam. Every so often it was Sammy this, or Sammy that. Cas was almost starting to see Sam as his own brother, and he’d still only met him once. There was a long moment of silence when the food arrived, only interrupted by some avid slurping noises.

When Cas bit into his burger he couldn’t help let out a loud moan of appreciation. He could swear that these were the best burgers he’d ever tasted. He was so enraptured he almost missed the glazed look in Dean’s eye at the sound.

The rest of the meal was spent with an particularly emotive argument over who won the obnoxious sibling race. Dean had a pretty decent headstart until Cas brought up the whole Gabe boxing him up and trying to send him to China. “In his defense, he was five at the time.”

The following argument about who was going to pay was solved by Dean bundling him out of the door. Cas’ mutter of “Who said chivalry was dead?” seemed to amuse Dean, who ruffled his hair as he followed him out of the diner.

They walked alongside the local stream for a bit, Castiel amazing Dean with his knowledge of the stars whilst Dean kept describing the weirdest behaviours of all the chirping and growling and hooting critters around them. The bulk of their time was spent discussing their futures. Dean’s was simple enough. He wanted to keep working at the carnival, maybe get a bit more money together. His main focus was putting Sam through college, which was pretty damn admirable in Cas’ opinion.

But Castiel’s dreams were much more complicated. Med school, and tests and books and studying. He found himself lost in tales of famous doctors and physicians, all the heroes who had really made a difference. Dean seemed to hang on his every word, something he was completely unused to and he realised that he was talking much more than he usually did. He’d wittered on telling Dean all the things that no one else knew because they never really asked.  
Somehow 8pm morphed into 10pm, and 10pm morphed into 11.30pm. Castiel managed to hold off commenting on the horribly intrusive subject of passing time, but by the time it hit midnight he couldn’t hold off anymore. “I should be getting back. It’s past midnight.”

“Shit. Seriously?” He was extremely surprised when Dean suggested walking him home. The entire way back they were playfully butting each other’s shoulders, holding hands in the darker corners. Thankfully all the lights were out, but that didn’t stop him from shushing Dean if his voice rose above a whisper. They climbed the top step of his classic white-picket-fence house, Castiel saddened by the fact that each step brought them ever closer to the end of the night.   
When he slipped his key in the door, he turned back, expecting to give Dean an awkward goodnight and then shuffle into the house. What he wasn’t expecting was to find Dean looming right in front of him.   
“You know how hard it’s been to sit across from you and not been able to touch you.” He trailed a hand along Cas’ arm, drawing out an appreciative hum. “Or kiss you.” 

Before he had time to whisper something about his parents, or the neighbors, Dean had pulled him close, leaning down for a kiss. It was their deepest one yet, and Cas soon found himself taking over, pulling Dean closer by the lapels of his jacket and taking advantage of the way Dean’s lips parted before him. It was only when Dean’s foot caught on a particularly squeaky board that they were forced to pull away. The moment was somehow perfect, both of them ever so slightly breathless, smug smiles spreading across both of their faces as they tried not to chuckle. Unfortunately the moment was just a little too perfect for Cas and he just had to go do something to ruin it.

“I love you Dean.” The words were out of his lips before he’d even thought about them. It wasn’t like there was anything he could say to take that back. Thankfully Dean just laughed at him.

“I never knew my kisses were that good!”

With a sheepish smile Cas slipped into the house, careful not to wake anyone else up. His sleep was spoilt for a good hour as every five minutes just as he was finally falling asleep his brain would nudge him, reminding him of exactly what he’d said to Dean. Sure it was impulsive, and silly, hell they’d only known each other for three (or four, he was definitely claiming four) days, but Romeo and Juliet only knew each other for three. Although as he tossed and turned, he couldn’t help thinking how badly that had turned out for the Montagues and the Capulets.

***

Dean was worried that he might have come across too strong. It was just that Cas’ plans for the future were all so engaging and exciting. There was no way he was ever going to have been able to hold back his questions. He just had to content himself with the thought that Cas hadn’t really seemed to mind.

The ‘L bomb’. That was pretty unexpected, if a little scary. There was so much they didn’t know about each other, there was no way Cas had enough information to even think about such a thing as ‘love’. Cas just didn’t realise that, living the sheltered life. Although Dean had to admit he was flattered, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel anything of the same ilk. Whilst he was nowhere near the ‘L word’ he could most definitely drift into the like-like column.   
The trailer was silent when snuck in, except for a quiet question from Sammy. He just patted his brother on the head and dived under the quilt. Tomorrow was going to be a long day, just like all the others, and he was going to need his sleep.

The last thought on his mind before sleep crashed down on him was ‘he said he loves me’ ‘he said he loves me’. So what if it made him sound like a lovesstruck schoolgirl. It’s not like he could control his subconscious, even if he tried.

***

Thursday night had turned out to be a big bust. After the amazing time he’d had last night, Cas had expected fireworks and magic, or at least Dean to pay some attention. And yet there he was stood, wearing his second best shirt, ready to make with the flirty eyes and get some Dean action, and the object of his dreams was more focused on a generator than him.

“Sorry Cas, I can’t hang out.” At the obviously hurt look on Cas face had turned and given him a small smile in apology. “I need to get this bloody generator fixed or the entire place is going to be without electricity. You go enjoy the circus and I’ll cya tomorrow.”

Cas gave him a quick smile, trying not to be annoyed when Dean promptly disappeared under the generator in question. When did he get so infantile? Of course Dean’s job was more important, it was his livelihood after all.

Not that Cas’ emotions seemed to want to act so maturely as he slipped into the crowd, muttering childishly to himself. Without Dean the circus held little appeal for Cas. It just went back to being a noisy mess. He poked his head into the massive central tent where the actual circus show happened for a few moments, before deciding that it was all too drab without an accompanying commentary. It only took him ten minutes to do a quick circuit and he soon found himself back by the generator.

“Look Cas, I’d love to spend the evening with you. I really would. But I need to get this fixed and it’s going to take me all night.”

“Surely you could use someone to hold your flashlight and pass you spanners, and that kind of thing.” All his secret wiles came to the forefront as he tried to convince Dean to let him stay. His voice may even have become a little whiney. Just a little.

This was met by an incredulous look from Dean. “And I wouldn’t envy the poor sap who got lumped with that job. Seriously, I’m sure you’d much rather be off having fun.”

Castiel couldn’t help himself from leaning forward and whispering in Dean’s ear. “Maybe watching you getting hot and sweaty is more than enough fun for me.”

He wasn’t expecting the shiver that that elicited. Hmmm interesting. Cas sequestered that response away in the back of his brain before he settled himself down on the dirty ground, ready for the long-haul, knowing that there was nowhere else he would rather be. Without a word Dean handed him the flashlight.

It wasn’t really the kind of job that allowed for much talk, or at least not much beyond ‘can you hand me that spanner’ or ‘move the light a bit to the left’. Besides, Dean was too focused on his task, wrapped up in all the little intricacies of the engine (and back to wearing his glasses Cas was very pleased to note) and Cas found himself quite happy just to sit and watch him work. Apart from the obvious attractive aesthetic Dean presented when his bulging muscles were put to good use and a cute little frown crossed his face, Castiel found something entrancing about the harmony and skill behind each of Dean’s movement. And it was just nice to sit comfortably in silence with someone, particularly as he felt like he was being useful and helping to speed up the job.

Unfortunately he was still knackered out from the previous night and a long day at school. When it got to the point where he was letting out ear splitting yawns every couple of minutes Dean ordered him to go to bed. His objection was smothered by yet another yawn. Maybe he should go.

Regretfully he bid Dean good night, a content feeling in his stomach and an insuppressible smile on his face.

***

At the circus Friday night was always a busy one. Although, due to the chaos of the other night Dean had convinced everyone that he deserved the night off so long as nothing really bad happened. This would be the perfect time for Dean’s typical bad luck not to show its head.

Castiel looked practically edible when he sauntered up, a light tread to his step. The minute he saw him and his dorky smile Dean couldn’t help the predatory grin on his face. Well aware of the homophobic views of the locals, Dean quickly herded Castiel to a more secluded spot, which just happened to be behind the Hall Of Mirrors. He stole a quick kiss, not wanting to do anything more risky out in the open. Quietly the pair of them slipped into the most underappreciated attraction of the fair. Dean had a particular fondness for the Hall Of Mirrors.

The place was empty except for the pair of them, and their creepy repeated doubles, reflected again and again with reflections of reflections of reflections. Dean loved it in here, it was practically the only quiet part of the circus. Very few people came in here, and any that did found nothing to keep them for long. He had a feeling it was going to be different for him and Cas. After a few seconds blinking owlishly at their reflections, Cas turned to flash him a predatory look.

Hot hands were on his face, his hand, his stomach as a needy tongue claimed his mouth. Cas didn’t give him much room as his belt buckle was clipped open and his jeans were firmly pushed down. Strong hand invaded under his shirt, tracing the outlines of his muscles and drawing out Dean’s labored breaths. Within a matter of moments, Dean found himself pressed up against one of the mirrors.

Even the cool sensation of the glass against the skin of his bare ass wasn’t enough to stop him bucking from the wonderful shock of Castiel’s mouth on his cock. He lost himself as the first spikes of pleasure flickered up his spine. Screw bad luck. Dean decided he was actually really the luckiest sod to ever walk the earth.

***

Cas wasn’t a complete newcomer to the world of blowjobs, but there was only so much experience to be had in such a small town. And yet Dean didn’t seem to be complaining. He made good use of his tongue, taking as much of Dean’s dick as he could and making sure his hand gave plenty of attention to the rest. Sloppy but effective, even if he did say so himself. Apparently Dean was very vocal in the sack, a fact which Cas took great pleasure in encouraging. His grunts grew closer and closer to moans as Cas sucked him ever nearer to his orgasm. The noise Dean made when he came was something straight out of a porno as it practically buzzed straight through Cas’ body, hitting him on what could only be described as a sub-atomic level.

He kept licking at Dean’s cock until his orgasm petered out. Swallowing wasn’t one of his favorite experiences, but the salty taste was totally worth it for the look of pure satisfaction on Dean’s face. He wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Dean barely gave himself chance to enjoy the aftershocks. Without even pulling up his jeans, he slid to his knees. Quickly taking the hint Cas struggled to his feet, fumbling with the catch of his own belt in his haste. A sigh of relief escaped him as his cock was released from the confines of his boxers, the gentle breeze in the room spreading shivers up his spine as it danced across the sensitive surface. That was nothing compared to Dean’s hand.

He didn’t hold out for more than a couple of minutes, not after the noises Dean had been making. Just the feel of Dean’s hand was enough to send Cas’ body into spasms, pleasure wracking over his entire body. His eyes flickered open (he hadn’t even realised that he’d shut them), affording him a glance of the most debauched thing he’d ever seen. Not only did he have an awesome view of Dean’s gorgeous naked derrière from the mirror straight in front of him, but the entire scene was being played out from every angle imaginable. Endless Dean’s and Cas, each one looking exceptionally fucked-out. It was pretty near perfect

He caught his own gaze, blown pupils blinking back with a feral smile. If he turned his head slightly to the left there was one mirror that was at just the right angle to capture the look of complete rapture running across Dean’s face as he flicked his tongue out, licking a line straight across the length of Cas’ cock. He couldn’t do much more in response than let out a little “mmmhmhmm”. An occasional “good boy” almost absentmindedly escaped his lips, regardless of their respective ages. But Dean seemed to take it in his stride, and the vibrations provided by his laughter only amped up the pleasure buzzing through Cas’ bones.

He tried to hold on, he really did, but the minute the Dean’s mouth was on his dick he just lost it. He didn’t have chance to warn Dean before he was coming as the entire world exploded in a flash of white. He rode his orgasm out, forcing himself to keep his eyes open, to fix on both of their figures as he came and came and came.

Cas’ legs still felt like jelly (he’d always thought before that that had just been an empty expression) as he wobbled his way towards the exit of the Hall Of Mirrors. Dean looked if anything like he was in an even more fucked out state. His hair was pointing every which way and he his jeans were practically falling off due to the undone belt. Not that Cas was complaining, but he thought that the straight laced community members might have something to say about it. Pulling Dean back with a grin, he leant forward for a quick kiss, giving a sharp tug on the belt at the same time he nipped Dean’s lip with his teeth. It proved surprisingly hard to do up a belt backwards and after Cas’ confident demeanour dissolved into confusion, Dean started laughing, doing it up himself with a clink and giving Cas a tender peck on the cheek. The hard work that Cas had put into trying to get his hair back into a tameable mess was ruined when Dean teasingly ran his hand through it.

By the time they’d scrambled out of the Hall Of Mirrors, Dean looked a lot more composed. No one would have figured out what had just happened between them by looking at him. Castiel on the other hand, well that was another matter altogether. The hair was more than enough to act as an obvious indicator, and for all he knew he was missing something equally noticeable that Dean just didn’t feel like pointing out. When he grumbled about how his hair was probably all mussed up, Dean just laughed and said he liked his sex hair. At least his shirt was tucked back in now.

And the crinkles at the corner of Dean’s eyes was enough to make anyone’s irritation disappear. He could put up with much more than a few odd stares if he got to see those crinkles again.

“Race you over to the carousel!” Came the cheeky yell as Dean rushed off. Cas still hadn’t had a sufficient chance to recover and he found himself panting in his attempt to keep up. Dean seemed to take pity on him, stopping to wait. He didn’t expect the smaller guy to barrel straight into him, knocking him over and sending them into a laughing pile.

A few dirty glances were thrown their way, but at least their behaviour seemed to be being passed off as normal rough and tumble, Cas thought as he became more conscious of their surroundings. He subconsciously scrambled to his feet. It was always too easy to forget when the happy chemicals were spinning round your brain.

Particularly when he helped Dean up and they held hands for that instant too long, still laughing. Before Cas had chance to pull away, Dean had lightly pushed him and started rushing off in the direction of the carousel.

Dean Winchester might think he knows everything, but that’s not strictly true. One of the pieces of information he was sadly lacking was that Castiel was actually a very avid runner. Although he seemed to realise that pretty quickly as Cas raced past him, not even trying to hide his smirk.

Surely the winner would get a prize, and Cas already knew exactly what he was going to demand, and he was pretty sure Dean would be all for it. He spun round, doing a little awkward dance just to taunt Dean where he was still running to catch up. When Dean finally managed it, sweeping him up into his arms and spinning round, he couldn’t help but think (maybe slightly cheesily) that this was the happiest he’d ever been.

“So the victor should get a prize.”

“Oh yeah, is that right? And what is it you want oh-glorious-victor.”

Castiel’s voice lowered to a low murmur, punctuating his speech with a well-placed finger point. “ I want you… to be my boyfriend.”

His heart sang when Dean nodded back at him.

***

It was Saturday. Their last night in Castiel’s stupid little village. And then that would be it. They’d be gone. He’d known it was coming, should have prepared himself better. Come on Winchester. First rule of the road: never get attached. And he was normally so good at it too. Sure he sometimes left a girl or a guy weeping a few tears behind him, confident that they’d get over it in a couple of days. But usually he hit the road with Sam at his side and a smile on his face, looking forward to the next town, the next adventure. 

Looking at Cas’ bright eyes and happy face suggested that it would so much more difficult. But the weirdest thing of all was the sinking feeling in Dean’s stomach, the one that left him feeling cold and empty. By this time tomorrow those would be gone. He wouldn’t be here, he’d be somewhere else. Somewhere else without warm blue eyes and comforting arms and genuine smiles. And it was all his own fault. His own fault for feeling this way. His own fault for unthinkingly agreeing to Cas’ proposition without once thinking of the fact he was leaving in a couple of days. His own fault for choosing his heart over his head.

After this how could anything else even try to match up? This was real in a way nothing else had ever been. The way Cas rushed up to him, immediately laughing and chatting and teasing and smiling, and the way it made him feel just proved that. And didn’t that just take the proverbial biscuit.

He tried to relax his arm under Castiel’s hand, to attempt to act normally. But how could he possibly do that when he knew it was all going to be gone tomorrow. Just whisked away like every other good thing in his life. Okay, that wasn’t fair, Sam was a good thing and he was still there. But still. It was shit. It smelt like shit, it tasted like shit and if it didn’t goddamn feel like shit too.

He spent the entire evening mulling over everything, even to the point where Cas accused him of sulking. He barely uttered anything more than a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ as he trailed round after Cas, participating at the minimum level. He waved up at Cas when he went up on the Ferris wheel, making Dean stay on the solid ground this time. He pretended to laugh along at Bobby’s jokes in the giant circus tent and he made appreciative noises when he was handed a hotdog. But none of it really meant anything. 

Inside he had no room for anything but anger, maybe because he didn’t want to know what was left after the anger dissipated. And he knew what he had to do. For both their sakes. Obviously Cas hadn’t realised the fact that they’d have to separate tomorrow, either that or he just didn’t care that much (Dean’s brain just couldn’t accept that possibility right now).

On his fifth time of pulling away, Cas yanked him round and demanded an answer. “Dean what’s wrong, why are you acting like this?”

“I’m not acting like anything.” Sniping was his knee jerk response, and it was only when it exploded out of him that he realised it was probably his best line of defence.

“Don’t give me that. Come on I know something’s up. Just tell me what it is!” The understanding in Cas’ eyes was enough to throw him over. He just couldn’t take this anymore. He was done.

“You don’t know anything about me or how I’m acting. You’ve known me what, a week? Not even that. And you act like you fucking know me and you think you can tell me what to do.” The anger that flooded through his voice was real, painfully so. The violence behind it had Cas taking a step back, a hurt look passing across his face before it was replaced by frustration.

“Don’t give me that Dean, I don’t know what’s got you spooked, but it’s okay. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“And that’s the problem isn’t it? You just follow me around day after day after day whilst I’m supposed to be working. All you are is a hinderance. You act like you’re my boyfriend.”

Cas voice was laced with disbelief and confusion. “What else would I be? I suppose next you’re going to tell me last night didn’t mean anything.”

He wasn’t convinced, Dean hadn’t got through to him. And what he had to say next was just going to break his heart. He’s doing this for Cas. It’s for Cas.  
As much as he should have, he wasn’t able to keep eye contact with Cas as the words shot from his mouth. He shut out the world for the briefest of seconds as he did what he had to do. The next thing he had to say was was so horrible, so wrong, so absolutely atrocious, it caught in his throat. “You say that as if it did mean something.”

“I don’t know what you’re trying to de here. But you need to stop pushing me away. We’re good together, just talk to me.” The fierce gesture of Cas as he pointed between them was practically desperate.

Another deep breath. You’d have thought this would get easier, not harder. Why was Cas being to goddamn understanding. He plastered a sneer on his face for good measure. “Well I guess that’s the kind of attitude I can expect from an easy lay.”

He could see tears staring to build up in the sheen of Cas’ eyes. Good. That was good. That was really good. It was sinking in. Make him angry enough and Cas would be okay.

He managed to force the next words out with barely a wince. Guess he should be proud. “You think that a guy like me could be into a stupid little crybaby? When are you going to wake up and smell the roses. I. Don’t. Want. You.”

He wasn’t expecting the tears to stop almost instantaneously. The man in front of him straightened up to his full height, challenge flowing through his every moment even as his face settled into the most heartbreaking expression of hurt and betrayal he’d ever seen. A steely gaze was levelled at Dean, more angry than he’d expected. Good. Good, he had to keep telling himself. Anger was good. That’s why he was doing this. Anger was going to be the only thing that could help. He needed Castiel to move on.

“Fuck you. I don’t know what you’re problem is, but fuck you, Dean Winchester. Fuck. You.” Cas practically spat at him. He’d earnt those words, worked for them, demanded them. But they still stung. They stung with an all-consuming pain. None of the injuries he’d had over the years had even come close. 

Somehow he managed to stumble back to his trailer, crawling in as he held back the sobs. The entire time he was muttering a mantra to himself under his breath. ‘It’s good. It’s good. It’s good’. He knew that when he let go, that was going to be it. Luckily the others weren’t back yet. He roughly yanked out the bottle of JD, the one that was reserved for special occasions, and twisted off the lid. He didn’t get a glass, he didn’t deserve one. The first sip burned, the third one not so much. By the time he’d drunk half the bottle he’d lost the energy to even continue with the body wracking sobs.

He’d done this so many times, in so many ways. And yet it never felt this raw.

***

There was a hard note to each of Castiel’s steps as he walked home. He was steady, calm and collected. He clamped down on the hurt and anguish that kept building up in his chest. He was angry, righteously angry. No one who could treat him like that deserved to make him cry. Cas saved his tears for those who deserved them. And Dean Winchester was not one of those people. And to think, he’d been about to suggest he go with Dean. Just up and leave his entire life, all his dreams and go. Follow some worse-than-useless guy he’d loved for a week to the ends of the earth. He was going to give up medicine for Dean’ sake. How pathetic was he? His anguish was probably his own fault anyway. What kind of loser told someone they loved them after two days? He’d been practically asking for it.

The hardest thing was how nice, how perfect Dean had been right up until Saturday. He’d let Cas think that Dean might actually reciprocate his feelings, might actually have the potential to love him, might want him with him, right up until the moment he was about to leave. And then he turns tail. Those thoughts were the ones that truly threatened to bring the tears back. And if Cas hadn’t had so much confidence in the sheer realness of their moments together, of their vivid connection, he would have thought he’d been played. But he knew it was true. He knew they’d shared something. But obviously Dean just felt differently now. And for him to turn around on the last day and…the last day. Crap. God, that really was obvious.

“Fucking hell Dean.” The volume of his voice was enough to shake a flock owls from a tree as they let out disgruntled hoots.

Cas’ firm step took on a hint of urgency as he sped up. There was so much he had to get done before tomorrow. Dean was not going to know what hit him. He was going to make them both happy if it was the last thing he did.

***

The field just didn’t look right without the fluttering tents, rusting rides and gaggles of people. Even in the daytime when everyone expected the circus to be dead and empty it was a hive of activity. Efficient people bustling around practicing their wacky routines or cleaning up a bit of equipment, or even just having a chat. With just the wind to stir up the air around it the area just felt wrong. A bit of overdramatic tumbleweed wouldn’t have seemed out of place.

Soon it would probably have cows and sheep back on it, the scuff of their hooves erasing the last little indentations in the trampled mud that could show that the fair had ever even been there. Dean shook his head. He’d done this before, he’d do it again. His life was with Bobby, with Sammy, on the road. A week here, a week there. He’d been doing it his whole life. He could do it just once more this time.

The squelch of his boots in the mud completely ruined his poetic thought’s about wind and cows. Ah whatever. It was time. And if he spent tonight becoming slightly better friends with his carefully sequestered whisky supply than was strictly normal, well he doubted Bobby would say anything. This morning he’d merely given him a judging look as he’d kicked his hungover ass out of bed to help pack up camp. Sam was riding with Bobby for the next section of road, Dean’s grotty personality had ensured that. Not that it mattered, he wouldn’t have been very good company anyway. Speaking of, company or no company he need to hit the road.

He’d only made it a couple of feet when he heard a shouting at his back, the wind trying to pick it up and cast it off.

“Wait!”

Dean didn’t even have time to get a good look at his accoster before he found his arms full of a trembling lump. Strong arms wrapped around his back, pulling him in so tight he could hardly breathe. Despite himself he took a strong grasp of Castiel, clutching him tight for the briefest of instances before gently pushing him away. Now was not the time to indulge himself. Get a grip on yourself Winchester!

He turned to see where a battered old suitcase had been abandoned on the floor. It was so ancient that its dodgy old spring had snapped open, throwing its hastily packed contents onto the mud. Oh no. No. Castiel couldn’t do this to him. It was both too good to be true, and the worst imaginable situation all at the same time.

Cas had a determined set to his face, eyes instantly fixing on Dean’s. “I’m coming with you.”

Dean could only hope he managed to keep the tremor out of his voice and a cold feel to his eyes. He could do this. He could. It was for Castiel, that’s all he had to keep telling himself. “No. No you’re not. What part of ‘I don’t want you’ do you not understand?”

“The part where you’re lying to me. I’m coming with you Dean.” The firm tone in Cas’ voice remained even as a beguiling warmth crept into it. Didn’t the bastard realise how hard, how impossible, this was for Dean. Couldn’t he understand? “We can do this Dean. We can have this. You and me, against the world.”

A firm hand fixed on Dean’s arm pulling him closer to those electric blue eyes. There was nothing Dean wanted more than to just lose himself in them, to give in and pull Castiel, his Castiel, towards him. He almost broke. Almost. Instead he yanked his hand away, more softly than he probably should have done. Damnit. He needed to get his point across. “No. Just back off. How many times? I don’t want you.”

He started off well, each word emphasised with a healthy dose of venom, but then his voice just had to go and betray him on the ‘You’. Why couldn’t his body behave itself? One small crack in his voice and he’d given Castiel hope.  
Without giving himself the chance to mess up more, he marched off, his legs working in a purposeful stride. At least one part of him could behave itself. The door of his familiar baby felt heavier than it ever had before as he wrenched it open.

If it had been anyone else he would have thought they would have taken the hint and left. But this was Cas they were talking about. Strong, compassionate Cas. The Cas who always knew exactly what he wanted and then went out to get it. The Cas who had abandoned his suitcase to the elements, yanking the passenger door open and slipping into the seat. The bastard even belted himself in.

“Cas get out of my car.”

“No.”

A hand closed on his, and this time he couldn’t find the strength to shake it off. Before he knew what he was doing, he had twisted their fingers together, burying his head in Castiel’s chest. Soft fingers brushed through his hair, leaving a calming presence behind.

“You figured it out huh?” He mumbled into Cas’ shirt.

“Yes Dean, I figured it out. It wasn’t the most complicated plan.” The smile behind Cas’ voice was almost enough to make Dean forget everything.

“I don’t want to lose you Cas.”

“You don’t have to. That’s why I’m here. I can join the circus too. We’ll be happy together. I was going to tell you that last night before you went and pulled your silly little stunt.”

“Oh yeah and what are you going to do in the circus? Become a trapeze artist, or a lion tamer maybe?” The bitterness was still there, Dean thought after this it would probably never leave. Or maybe he was just being melodramatic.

“I don’t know Dean, it’s doesn’t matter so long as I’m with you.”

“Crap Cas, don’t say shit like that. Do you know hard this is for me as it is?”

“What’s hard Dean? Just say yes and we can do this. I’ll always be there.”

“What about college, and medicine. You can’t just give all that up for me.” He left the ‘I’m not worth it’ out of it, he doubted that Castiel would find that a compelling argument. It still didn’t make it any less true.

“I can, and I will. I’d do anything for you Dean.”

“Do you have any idea how stupid that is?” Dean was starting to get angry now. Why couldn’t Cas just see. “I’m not going to ruin your future.”

“You wouldn’t be ruining it, you’d be making it. No one has ever made me feel like this before.”

“What the hell cheesy rom coms have you been watching?” Even with the seriousness of the moment Dean thought that that needed to be addressed. Instead of having the grace to look embarrassed Cas just flashed him a toothy grin.

“You can blame that on Anna. But just because it’s clichéd doesn’t make it any less true.”

Dean grasped Cas’ fingers between his own, hoping the grounding squeeze would help to shake some sense into him.

“Look I lo…I really like you.” That was close, there would have been no going back from that. “And if it would work, I’d drag you away from your nice comfortable life in a heartbeat. But it won’t. The circus life isn’t for everyone, it’s hard. And you want to help people Cas. You want to be a doctor. Don’t get me wrong, that’s brilliant and it’s part of why I like you. But you can’t give that up for me. It’s not like I can give you anything in return. I struggle to make ends meet as it is, and you’re just not made for circus life. You’re built like Sam, you’ve got ambition and drive, all the things I’m too stupid for. And damnit I’m not going to hold you back.”

“I do know what I want. And I want you, Dean.”

“Within two weeks you’d be homesick and fed up of me. Within a year you’d be resentful when all your classmates start going to college and you’re stuck fixing leaky old rides with me.”

“I could never resent you.” Cas’ voice was as calm and unrelenting as ever. He was a determined bastard, at least that much was true.

“I’m not asking you Cas, I’m telling. I’m saying no. This won’t work.”

“And what about me, don’t I get a say?” There was the barest flash of a challenge in his words, but he was still trying to be collected, obviously still thinking he had a plan to stick to.

“Yeah you do. And if you can sit there, look me in the eye and tell me that there is not a single part of you, just one small part of you that still wants to be a doctor, or might want to be a doctor some far off time in the future then that’s it, we’ll leave right now and never turn back. But if not then this can’t happen. So can you? Can you tell me that?”

He tilted Cas’ chin up with a soft brush of his fingers, holding his gaze, willing him just willing him to say it. He wanted it, needed it so desperately. Hope blossomed for the first time since he’d broken it off with Cas yesterday. Maybe it could work. If Cas could just say the right thing in this moment they could be happy for the rest of their lives. But the instant those fiery blue eyes flicked down, away from his own he knew it was done. Signed, sealed and delivered. 

It took all of Dean’s willpower to hold himself together as Cas slowly shook his head. At the headshake something in Cas seemed almost to have broken. It snapped the spark straight out of him as Castiel shrunk back into baby’s seat. 

Wanting to wipe the dejected look off Cas’ face, Dean leant in to press their lips together. At the light touch Castiel grabbed hold of him, pulling him in close and making the kiss so much more demanding. Dean didn’t have chance to question the sharp sting at his neck as he lost himself in Cas for all of a moment.

“Baby.” Dean murmured against Castiel’s lips as Castiel ignored him, dragging him in closer as if he never wanted to let go. “Cas. Cas. Baby stop.”

He ever so carefully pushed against Castiel’s shoulder, breaking the kiss. Steeling his voice he said the only thing he could. “You need to get out of the car.”

Castiel’s expression almost had him saying ‘fuck it’ to everything, putting baby in gear and roaring off with Cas exactly where he wanted him. But he couldn’t. When Cas just mutely shook his head at him, Dean leant over him to open the door. So sue him if he took the moment to take one last sniff of Castiel’s musk to commit it to his memory. ‘Cause in all of a minute that was all he’d have.

Tenderly he unclipped Cas’ seatbelt. He couldn’t keep the sigh out of his voice as he ran his hand across his face. “Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”

“I love you. Always and forever.”

The soft brush of the brunet’s lips against his cheek was all too brief before it was whisked away. Just before the door slammed shut on them Dean surprised himself shouting out. Well, it was now or never. “Always and forever!”

He watched as Cas stumbled round to the driver’s side, almost slipping over in his haste. The glass of baby’s window was the only thing separating them as Cas rested his palm against it, eyes fixed against his as Dean twisted the key in the ignition. He would have stayed there like that for hours, maybe days if it wasn’t for the tap of Castiel’s palm against the metal of the car as he pulled away. He couldn’t help thinking dryly that if anyone else were to do that they’d have been lucky to survive with their fingers intact. He’d lost count of the number of wedgies he’d had to give Sam over the years for disrespecting baby.

The accelerator felt traitorous under his foot as it responded in its usual way, sending him speeding off at his usual pace, leaving Cas further and further behind. One last glance back at the small figure of Cas was all he was afforded before baby had him whirling out onto the road, ready to hit the gravel with a mean crunch. 

It was as he was waiting to turn off that he finally turned his attention to the itching at his neck, and felt the chain complete with delicate charm and tiny runes. Oh God.

“I love you.” The whisper was lost on the dashboard, baby’s blinking lights and unresponsive grumble all that was there to take notice of the salty tear snaking its way down Dean’s cheek.

***

The mud felt disgusting under Castiel’s fingertips but he couldn’t summon up the energy to move. He couldn’t summon up the energy to do anything. The wheels of the car, of Dean’s car, spun a little in the mud before they managed to gain some friction. With one smooth motion it rumbled off, not pausing once as it disappeared. It was done. It was all over.

The seconds crawled by, turning into minutes, and then into hours. Maybe if he stayed there long enough then he’d hear the screech of wheels, see the tread of a boot, feel the soft caress of arms on his shoulder. Maybe Dean would come back. 

As the night crept in, and the circus failed to magically pop up, and there was no whisper of a familiar voice, Castiel finally felt the tears prickling his eyes and his cheek. It was all consuming, leaving nothing else behind.

At some point he managed to gather himself together, maybe helped along by the growl of his stomach or the cold seeping into his bones. He threw his clothes back into the suitcase, almost completely breaking the lock as he angrily slammed it shut. As he walked through the deserted field, kicking at the mud and the odd remaining piece of rubbish, the full reality of the situation hit him. This was it. This was all there was ever going to be. No Dean. Sure he still had his ‘dream’, his studies, but that just felt pointless now. What was the point if he was going to do it alone? 

Castiel might be many things (not least of which was classically heartbroken) but he wasn’t a moper. So he grasped the suitcase more strongly in his hand as he dragged it along the path. When he got back he ignored all the questions from his family, stomping straight to his room. Throwing the suitcase across the room he completely ignored the mess that exploded everywhere, violently sweeping everything sitting on his desk onto the floor. Ignoring everything else he grabbed the largest medicine books, slamming it open so forcefully that the spine snapped. He couldn’t focus on the words as heavy tears started to splash down, staining the pages.

This was the reason Dean had left him. It was medicine’s fault. It was these books’ fault. Some sense of self-preservation helped Cas not to collect all his books together in the waste basket and give them the penance of flame that thy truly deserved. He didn’t do it, but the impulse was still there, eventually releasing itself in the momentum of the abused book as it flew across the room. What use was a book? He wanted Dean.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a ‘fifteen years later’ ending intending to leave it on a happy note, but that got even more depressing and I just couldn’t post it.
> 
> I also learnt a new word, Katoptronophilia (although I have no idea how to pronounce it), who said smut can’t be educational?
> 
> And on a fairly condescending side note, I would just like to say please don’t practice unsafe sex. Dean and Cas are very silly here (If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it).


End file.
